Directions to bristol
From UoWiki
Physical Training is the art of critical rail travel, researched in the UK but with fundamental strategies applicable elsewhere.
The following are techniques specific to First Great Western train line, for the faciliation of self-transport between London & Bristol. These notes are in development.
LONDON PADDINGTON TO BRISTOL TEMPLE MEADS
enter at paddington
no fixed barriers at time of research
(if a station employee is checking tickets at the platform, walking fast & flashing a random ticket almost always does the trick)
method 1: offpeak / decreased contribution
buy a ticket to Reading. Sit as far to rear of the train as possible in standard class: 9/10 times the conductor will start
from the rear of the train & will check your carriage before the train arrives in Reading (25 mins). It is very unlikely that conductor will check all tickets again before bristol; or remember where you are travelling to. Acting visually bland helps.
method x: no contribution/ xtreme fizzikal fuk
- get on train early when theres no-one or little people on board yet
- crawl into the gap underneath the seats
- block the gap by a big bag and hey presto , u are pretty much invisible!!!
- have a wank
- emerge from your hole at the end of the ride (have a watch so u know when your stop has arrived)
(be warned of body/mind going numb, hence drink drugs and masterbation can help)
method 2: no contribution
works better at peak hours / on crowded train when conductor is overwhelmed.
Get on as far to the front of the train as possible. Stand, it is more effective to not relax. Make sure the conductor is not at your end of the train (unlikely: but if so, go straight to the rear of second class - & reverse the direction of travel in the following instructions). Look back along the train, conductor will be heading slowly forward up it. Unlikely conductor will reach your carriage by Reading (25 mins). When you stop at Reading, stay inside: walk back along the train
(as if heading for the nearest exit - repeatedly), you will pass the conductor who will be distracted managing doors & platform activity. Alternatively you could run down the platform to the rear of the train, but you could risk being noticed by conductor as a boarding passenger. Lots of people get off at Reading: find a seat if you can in the rear secondclass carriage & simulate having been there all the time.
Occasionally the conductor will still start all ticket checking after Reading. It is better not to reveal yourself as a Physical Trainer but have cash ready to pay, even if only to the next station, where it might be interesting to break your journey. If you buy your ticket on the train, it is quite possible that the conductor will remember where you are supposed to get off. This is where it is useful to know segment information: including the full price. Some trains will go from Reading direct to Swindon: a relatively long segment (approx 40 mins)
segment information
there are ticket gates at Reading. If you're trying to buy a ticket on the train from Reading (to swindon for eg.) can say you came from Maidenhead & changed trains at Reading, without time to exit & buy swindon ticket.
exit at temple meads
ticket barriers in place, these are open late at night
if exiting late at night, look for discarded valid tickets to use next time
BRISTOL TEMPLE MEADS TO LONDON PADDINGTON
enter at temple meads
exit at paddington
BIDIRECTIONAL TECHNIQUES
Physical Training is not a relaxing way to travel. Considering that insider (ticketed) train travel in the UK today is a highly expensive, soporofic and frustrating experience (at best). Reconstructed as a physical & tactical outsider sport, it is possible to reengage with an otherwise hyper-alienating infrastructure.
don't worry about losing, if you lose you get valuable data on how to succeed next trip
Pretending to be asleep is often a bad idea.
Try to not hide in the toilets: they expect it & will try to humiliate you
having cash ready to pay if challenged is valuable, means the conductor won't register you as a Physical Trainer on your next journey
if you need to know the fare for any segment of the journey, train pay phone located near the snack bar (08457 484950 for UK rail information).
